Dream Warriors

They say Dream Catchers capture your bad dreams while letting good dreams slip on by. Bad dreams become entangled among the Sinew thread and good dreams slip through the center hole.
It seemed to me that the Native Americans were onto something. i thought it was a brilliant idea. to bad reality doesn't work that way. if only my horrid dreams would disappear through contact with Sinew thread. imagine all the admirable fantasy's that i would be obtaining. No more nightmares about the zombie Apocalypse. no more nightmares about French and German dictators arguing over how to kill innocent people in the kiwnbka tribe in Africa.
I really do hope the Native Americans were right about this contraption. if not, i wasted twenty bucks...

Spring Fever

Its the first day of May. I have skipped the whole "spring fever" part of the year. i went from "winter depression" to "summer radiance." oh boy, do i wish i was back in Hawaii. I miss the sand, the sun, the cute beach houses, the gorgeous environment, just the overall peace and relaxation you felt when you were there. looking back at the time we spent in Hawaii, i don't realize all the "horrible" things that happened. all i see is tom getting down on one knee and proposing in our beach house, going down to the beach and watching the waves roll of the rocks, Going to the local carnival with Freddie, and racing down coconut avenue in Toms jaguar. i seemed to forget the drama of the love triangle between Cheyenne, Eric and Nikki. I forgot the car accident that was caused over Freddie, the arguments me and tom seemed to get into every other night, and the constant bickering between friends. Paradise can bring out the worst in people, i guess.
In those 7 months we spent in Hawaii, i never thought it would end. As summer starts to approach again, i wonder if we will ever go back?

Once Around The Ride

I wasn't so sure about this, for a few reasons. Toms apartment seemed strange. i have never seen residents in the building or doing laundry at the laundry mat next door. everyone around here seemed sneaky. Toms apartment was a small single bedroom living space with only two windows and a patio. The kitchen looked like it has never been heavily cleaned. maybe a few wipes of duster here and there, but overall scummy. Tom didn't have a dish to wash. The fridge was never full. maybe a pack of beer, slice of cheese, and a jar of pickles. i wouldn't say tom was poor. tom just thought he had better things to spend his hard earned money on. like boots, jewelry, or new guitars. the light fixtures dated back to the 1940. the light bulbs were loosing their juice and the room was always faint. all in all, the apartment was bleak and lurid. Tom never turned the thermostat past 72 degrees.
Tom slept 'til noon, sometimes 2:00 at the latest. i was always up around 9:00 in the morning. by the time i was finished taking a shower, crimp and teasing my hair, get dressed and putting on my makeup-up, tom was getting up.
At 6:00 Tom and I headed down to the club that he would be playing at. he expected me to attend every show. i went, even though the club wasn't "my scene". most nights, i stood next to the emergency exit smoking a cigarette, looking miserable enough for no one to want to talk to me. i was only there for Tom, i didn't need to be social. After the show, i would meet tom backstage where he would already be drinking with the guys. Tom wasn't the type of man to get drunk. he'll drink when its offered, but not over do himself. when he did get drunk, he wasn't violent. Tom was just civil, to say the least. Wail Tom was having his fun, i would chat with Cheyenne, Eric's new girlfriend. which, i always regretted because she would end up in tears or yelling at Eric. i didn't speak at all when amber was there. she scared me enough to not want to find out what would happen if i was to be on her bad side. I hated it when Tom would yell at her. it was rude! no matter how much she deserved it..
At about midnight tom was crawling into bed. i had fallen asleep in the Taxi and didn't even make it to the bed that me and Tom shared. I'd wake up the next morning on the couch, and start the day just as it was before.
I've been living with Tom for three weeks and I'm already bored. damn it Linda, i fucking hate you!
Maybe it was too soon to be living with tom. maybe living with him now will help me understand what I'm getting myself into..

1 Fish 2 Fish

i couldn't fall asleep. i tried everything that i could think of! i counted sheep, starred at the ceiling tiles for half an hour, listened to music, read myself a bedtime story (February issue of R.I.P magazine) and drank a glass of milk. i couldnt understand what was keeping me up. i wasn't over thinking things, or at least i don't think i was. my last attempt is to take a walk around the hotel to clear my mind.
I wondered around they hallways of the hotel. it must have been past 2:00 in the morning. so far, I'm lucky no one has seen me. being spotted in little blue track shorts and a superman t-shirt with half my hair in a sloppy ponytail would be embarrassing.
It seemed like walking and "clearing my mind" wasn't helping. it only made me bored. so, i started thinking to myself..
Maybe i am a bitch. i mean- why let my problems ruin Cheyenne's wedding? i yelled at tom on Monday because he was being a bit too crabby and pissing me off. I've been going to Fred for the attention i want from tom. which, is wrong! its probably giving Fred ideas!

Jeans That Fit Just Right

{ Eric Brittingham }

Don't forget to call your brother

Don't forget to call your brother

Lord O' Mercy, Please don't forget to call your brother.

Cheyenne will kill me!

"hey, Eric. can i talk to you for a second?" to said. oh Jesus! really tom? right now? i dont have the time for this! "tom, not right now. I'm busy. cant you tell." i told him. do you have any idea how big of a headache you can get from writing wail on a bus moving 75 miles an hour? i can feel my fucking frontal lobe throbbing! i don't need tom's complaining to make it worse! I'm supposed to be helping Cheyenne with wedding crap. "Eric, its kind of important." "what?" he sat beside me. damn it tom. this better be as important as you say it is. "Kayla's really upset that Cheyenne doesn't want her at the wedding." oh, great. see, i told Cheyenne this would create problems. "if you can just talk to Cheyenne.. convince her that Kayla did nothing wrong... please!" Kayla did do something wrong, or at least that's what Cheyenne has been telling me. "I'm sorry, tom. she should have thought about that before she decided to be a bitch." i still expect tom to be my best man, weather Kayla can come or not. but do i really think he is going to do it? no.

Entitlement

There i was, minding my own business and cuddling with tom on the couch when Cheyenne told me "i don't want you at my wedding." ....she was kidding? she had to be! i mean- I'm her best friend! probably the only person who likes her besides Eric! she was at my wedding! fuck- she was the maid of honor! "what do you mean!? you cant do that!" i yelled. why cant i go to Cheyenne's wedding? why doesn't she want me there? what did i do? those thoughts kept turning in my mind. "i don't want you there, its final. get over it." she said before walking away i looked at tom, shocked and angry. "who the fuck does she think she is?! i didn't even do anything! what the fuck is her problem?!" "Kayla, calm down. look- I'll talk to Eric and maybe he can get Cheyenne to change her mind, okay?" i don't know what tom has been up to recently.. i mean- toms not the type of guy to admit things he's done wrong. like "i love you like crazy, so I'm trying my hardest to squeeze in as much time with you as passable.". he was totally playing me! why else would he be such a kiss ass? he cant fool me!"tom, whats gotton into you?!" i yelled. he looked at me, confused and scared. "me? what do you mean?" "you! your being a kiss ass! what did yo do wrong?!" i was pissed about not being allowed to attend my "best friends" wedding, i was aggravated with tom and I'm sunk deep into a muddy ditch of depression and self-pity. "what? i didn't do anything wrong! what are you talking about?" tom seemed fed-up with my constant bitchyness. "you-GRRR" i decided to give up. what was the point? i was already not wanted at the wedding. i don't need to be exiled from the bus.

Sunshine And Daisies

i cant believe cheyenne and eric are getting married. im happy for them, no doubt. cheyenne will finally stop complaining about how eric wont propose to her. but, i cant help but think "what if their marriage is going to be better than mine and toms?" its possiable.. right? maybe marriage is what they needed.. maybe they fought all the time because they have been together for so long, but arnt really "commited" to the extent of marriage, so they kinda treat it like- oh fuck, forget it. i just cant stand the sight of seeing cheyenne finally happier than me. im always happier than cheyenne. cheyenne is always sunk into a muddy ditch! always down in the dumps, feeling sorry for herself or others. IM suppost to be the happy one! not her! but here i am, laying in bed with tom, wide awake thinking about THIS..
I cant say i've been "happy" latley, for a few reasons. yeah, i got what i wanted, im back on tour with cinderella, big woop. i wanted to be on this tour so i could spend more time with tom. the only thing worse than sitting on a bus with your husband who is more interested in joking around with his friends and sleep than paying attension to you, is sitting at home alone watching family ties wail petting your dog and eating brownies. thats low..
I think tom has been doing a pretty decent job with managing his time between me and everything else, so far. but, the first night we spent on this tour, he was harrassing eric and cheyenne. which, i wanted no part of. so, i hung out with freddie. fred's always been sweet towards me. you know, other than the occational reminder "your married to tom!" which always pisses me off. but, he's a great friend.
What really struck me as odd, was the next morning, when Tom was being Pretty Pissy and cranky. i couldnt quite put my finger on what was making him so angry with me. so, i went to the beach with freddie. eventually, when i got back, tom decided to tell me what the problem was. apparently tom is jealouse of all the time i have been spending with fred. it was CUTE! i felt bad for thinking about kissing freddie on the beach. even though i didn't..
A thing that i havnt relized, when did me and tom stop being kinky? when we first started out, everything we did was kinky, then sometime after that, it went from smothering strawberry syrup all over tom's chest to "lets skip the foreplay, eh?". then, that night, tom started changing things up. i had forgotton about all the crazy things we use to do.. thank god for tom.
then, i get the news that eric proposed to cheyenne.. great.. the only thing cheyenne could do is go ON AND ON AND ON about it! it was understandable at first, i mean- shes excited! and i was excited for her. but after 2o minuetes of constant blabbing, it got annoying. yes, cheyenne. i have heard you tell the story about how he proposed a million times. i really wouldnt like to hear it again. then! get this- she called me a bitch! can you believe that?! sorry cheyenne, but i dont think you relize how fucking annoying you are being! exspecially when you tried to tell me your engagment ring was better than mine! you do NOT diss my ring and get away with it. it meant alot to me.. just because your happy, doesnt mean you should put me down. after that, i coudlnt stand to listen to her and eric talk about the wedding.

Just A Little Bit Of Chicken Fried...

{ Eric Brittingham }

ray had dropped off some chicken wings in our dressing room after the show. great.. there are cheyenne signs all over the fucking place! first, i heard our song on the radio on the way to the arena, now the fuckin chicken wings! is this torture ever going to end? oh yeah... IN APRIL!!! uhhh thats so far away! why does tom get to have kayla here? he wont even consider letting me bring in cheyenne! asshole! "hey eric! you want one?" fred held out a chicken wing covered in thick barbeque sause. "actually...no" "what?! since when do you not want a chicken wing? they are your favorite!!" yes fred, i know chicken wings are my favorite. but they are cheyenne's favorite too. "yes fred, i am aware that chicken wings are my favorite. but, im not hungry." this only gave fred more motovation to get me to eat a chicken wing "not hungry?!?!" as if he coudlnt believe it. fred is ALWAYS hungry.. "yes, fred.." he sunk his teeth into the peice of meat "your loss." he said, walking away with the chicken wing in his mouth.

Easy Man To Please

{ Jeff Labar }

I'm not cranky! im just...home sick. i'd rather be at home with robin than sitting here watching fred flirt with kayla. sure, its party entertainging how fred tries so hard to get kayla's attension. if she agknowleges Tom for two seconds fred pouts. i dont know what his deal is with kayla. how can he continue to have feelings towards her when she always gets him introuble? its pathetic! fred is so naive! "well i can bend over and peak under your skirt." does he not relize tom is RIGHT THERE?! i swear, if he's going to be like that, at least try to be sneaky. and thats how fred gets caught. its like he thinks tom will never find out. tom always does find out! everytime! mind as well give up. Oh great, now they are pushing eachother again. THAT gives me a headache. they will push eachother back and forth and yell "freddie! stop it!!" its the most annoying thing i have witnessed, other than cheyenne's donkey laugh. oh lord, dont even get me started on that!

Then there's tom and eric. Eric is yelling at Tom for calling cheyenne. tom thinks its funny, and eric is annoyed...

See what i have to deal with? uh.. im counting down the days until this tour ends...

Love Bites

{ Eric Brittingham }

I didnt quite know what cheyenne would say when i mentioned the words "future" and "wife" in the same sentance.

I knew that we both planned on getting married eventually... but neither of us knew when or how long eventually would take. i've been with cheyenne for four years, and i can honestly say i love her. with all my heart! i could definatly see myself spending the rest of my life with her. everytime i imagine what my future is going to look like, cheyenne is always there. i mean- i owe her this. she's put up with me and my job for four damn years. marrying her is the least i could do. but how would i go about asking her? what if she comes to her senses and relizes that she can do so much better than me? you know- maybe i could just drop small hints..

Red Light, Green Light, TNT

when Tom came home, the first thing that he did to make me realize he was upset was slamming the door shut and throwing his coat on the arm of the couch. i watched him from the hallway, waiting for him to tell me what was wrong instead of asking. he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. "i cant fucking believe this! Kayla, they gave me a ticket!" he held out the paper. "they what?" i took the paper and unfolded it. i read through the very undetailed offence. "tom, what did you do? run a red light?" he laughed. "no! okay, you know where the junior high is? right? across the street from the fire station?" i nodded my head. he continued "well, i was running late. i was going like.. 48?" "tom.. that's a 35 mile road.." he through up his hands "who goes 35?! nobody!" "tom!" tom would be the only one to get pulled over. cars are always speeding by there. "you know something else? i wouldn't be so mad if the damn cop wasn't hiding in the bushes!" "hiding in the bushes?" oh my god.. don't tell me tom was pulled over by one of those annoying as fuck "undercover" cops.. "yeah! the cop car was sitting behind all these bushes! and you know what else! he accused me of being high! he came to my car and asked "sir, are you high? do you have any drugs on you?" yes! because this compartment right here is just soo ideal for smuggling drugs! you know, my eyes were bloodshot because i haven't got any sleep in two days! Ive-" tom started getting worked up. "tom! tom! tom! calm down.." he ignored me "then he asked "do you have any weapons in your car?" yes! I'm seriously gonna take a knife out of my boot and yell "don't make me!" for real? god damn. you know, i could be like one of those women who fucking cry! i should have cryed!" i laughed "tom! just- calm down. just pay the fucking ticket. its over with." he grabbed the paper from my hands "i cant just pay the god damn thing! look! i have to take a class!" i laughed harder. the imagine of tom sitting in a driving class made me almost cry. "a defensive driving class?!" "this is fucking ridiculous!"

Spot Of Tea?

i was hanging out in the studio lobby with freddie. we were waiting for everyone to arrive so they could start recording. fred was looking through a people magizine that they kept in stock on the tables near the couch. fred read aloud "sir eisinhower ludwig III was spotted having tea with the president of australia sunday afternoon." he mocked the article, reading it with a british accent. "sir eisinhower ludwig? yeah, thats something i wanna scream during sex." i said, sarcastically of course. fred laughed, suprised at my comment "what?!" "i was kidding.." he laughed harder "i know i know." he turned the page. "hey, no! go back! i wanna see what this ludwig fellow looks like." i told him. he turned back to the previous page and pointed to a picture of a man in a blue suit with a clean shaved face and short balding hair on his head. "look at his nose! its huge!" i laughed. his nose looked like a beak on a pelican. "hi, im eisinhower ludwig the third, and i have a big nose. i cant dress myself either! just look at my bow tie!" fred said in a british accent. i read the title of the article aloud " prince ludwig of germany.. fred! he's german! not british. get it right" he laughed "i dont care! still funny.."

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

{ Jeff Labar }

The band was suppost to be spitting out ideas for the new record this evening at tom's. but tom and eric thought it would be a good idea to drive down to the studio to pick up some old demos. eric suggested they would give us ideas.

So, wail i waited for them to return, i sat on the couch with kayla and fred watching "who wants to be a millionaire?" fred and kayla got pretty carried away with the game. "shh! listen to the question!" kayla yelled. "who was the main character in 'the outsiders' by s.e hinton?" what kind of question was that? who the fuck would know the awnser? "its B! its ponyboy!" kayla yelled, so excited i thought she would burst out of her skin. "no way! its soda pop! its A!" fred argued. "no! its B! watch!" why didnt i go with tom and eric again? "no! pick B! dumbass!" kayla yelled to the television. i realllyyy regret not tagging along with tom and eric. "its A!" fred yelled. the contestand plugged in her final awnser, A. "see! shes going to get it right! its not to late to change your awnser, kayla." "no! its B!" kayla stuck by her awnser. "and the awnser is..." i could see the intensity in their eyes as they waited for the awnser. the susption killed them! fred seemed like he was hanging on the edge of his seat. "B! sorry, you got it wrong." kayla through up her arms "yes! in your face! your wrong! i'm right!" fred laughed "what is the point of this dumb show?" i asked. fred awnsered with "its fun!" oh sure, screaming letters at eachother is "fun"? "if i was on that show, i would win a million dollars.." kayla said. no offense, but i really dont think kayla would get that far. maybe to the 10,000 mark, i'll give her that.

Team Earth!

"kayla! let me see your hand!" fred yelled as he ran up to me with a marker. "what" i held out my hand. i didnt quite know what he was up to. he took my hand and doodled with a green marker. he drew a picture of the recycling logo and a tree. he wrote "happy earth day!" in swirly letters. "earth day?" i asked. freddie actually cared about the enviroment? what the fuck? "yeah! today is earth day! my calender said so!" the boyish smile on freddie's face made me laugh. "oh freddie, your such a dork!" he slammed the lid on the marker "i know, you love it." and with that, he was off. probly giving little earth day stamps to the world!

Toys In The Attic

"fred! where are you going? since when are you claustrophobic?" ive never seen anybody run out of an attic so fast in my life. fred claims hes claustrophobic, but i bet hes just upset because he had a spider in his hair. "as long as you have been scared of heights." he told me. "how do you know about that!?" freddie couldnt know i was scared of heights! no way! how did he find out!? "the rollar coaster...remember?" "oh..." i did remember the rollar coaster.. the day at the fair in hawii was the first day i spent with freddie as his official girlfriend. i had forgotton all about that day, exspecially the rollar coaster. "uh.. yeah.." "fred?" "you say something georgouse?" i ignored him. the enviroment started getting awkward. here was fred an i, alone...getting along.. and before i knew it i felt his lips pressing against mine. he pulled away as quickly as he came "oh my gosh! im soo sorry! im really sorry!" he backed away, covering his mouth, with the look on his face like he had just seen a ghost. "sorry?" i asked, hopeing he wasnt. and with that, he ran ouf of the house. i stood in the hallway, confused and suprised. i didnt know what to do, if i should do anything at all.
What would i say to tom if he found out? would fred tell on himself? if he did, he would only be asking for trouble for himself. i did nothing wrong. i cant be blamed for this!

If You Dont Like It...

{ Eric Brittingham }

I guess you could say i wasnt thrilled when i found out cheyenne had visited nikki in L.A when she was suppost to be in Nashville.

I gave her permission to leave the tour and take a flight home. instead, she took the flight to L.A. i know she was there for nikki. if not, why else would she need to be in L.A?

Cheyenne thought she could hide this from me. she must have forgot that i was paying for the plane ticket, so it showed up on my credit card bill.

I paced back and forth down the hallway. i was thinking of how i would bring this up to cheyenne. should i just go right into it and get it over with? or maybe lighten up the mood with a joke, then bring her down.

"Cheyenne, i need to talk to you." i said, trying to sound casual. she ignored me and continued talking on the phone. "maybe he didnt mean it. or- you know, i bet it was an accident!" i was half tempted to yank the phone cord from the wall. but i knew that would have been going to far. instead, i tried again "Cheyenne, i- " she interupted me by sticking her finger in the air "wait!" i fucking hate when she does that! its so rude! "cheyenne! i mean it! get off the fucking phone! now!" i said, with a little more force. if being polite wasnt working, i was going to have to show her who's boss! she rolled her eyes "kayla, i'll call you back later. eric is being rude." she hung up the phone. "what do you want?" "i need to talk to you." the way cheyenne was acting only made me more frustrated. she was acting like a bitch who needed an attitude adjustment, not to mention a fresh manicure. instead of agknowledging that what i had to say was serious, she looked at her nails. "i know you went to california." i told her. she didnt look up from her nails when she said "california?" like she didnt remember. "yes! you went to L.A to see nikki! i know what you did! dont try to lie about it!" she started getting defensive "you always jump to conclusions!" she yelled at me. "just because i was in L.A doesnt mean i was seeing nikki!" bullshit. "then what were you doing?!" she through her hands in the air "i dont need this." and with that, she got up from the couch and started walking towards the bedroom. i stopped her by grabbing her arm "cheyenne!" she looked at my hand wrapped around arm. "i dont have to tell you anything!" she yelled at me. "fuck- yes you do!" i yelled back. she pulled away from my grip "so what if i did see nikki?! what are you gonna do!?" i hadnt quite thought about that. as far as i knew, i was just going to confrount cheyenne about it. "so you did see nikki!" what was i gonna do? not like i could ground her. "why do you need to see him?!" "calm down, eric! he's just a friend now! he has a girlfriend!" a friend? who would want to be friends with nikki sixx? "thats bullshit!" she shook her head, disapointed that i didnt believe what she was saying. and with that, she walked into the room and slammed the door shut. that definatly didnt go how i expected it to.

Stop And Stare

It was mine and fred's turn to wash the bus. a past time neither of us enjoyed, exspeically in 98 degree weather.
Wail everyone else was at lunch, fred and i stayed behind. "fred, pass me the bucket." i asked him. he ignored me. i watched as he stroked the windows with a soapy dripping sponge. "yo fredd!" i said louder, trying to get his attension. "hmm?" he finally looked at me. "whats your problem?" i had a feeling that him ignoring me was much more than hearing loss. fred must have been upset with me over something. "what are you talking about?" he asked, pretending like he thought he had me fooled. "fred, come on. what did i do this time?" i dropped the sponge on the ground, trying to signal to fred that i wouldnt wash and inch more of this bus until he told me what his problem was. he laughed. "kayla, come on! i wanna get this done with! please, pick it up." he begged. i crossed my arms infrount of my chest. there was no way i was giving in. even if i have to stand outside in this ridiculouse heat. fred laughed again. "kayla! damn it!" like this was a joke to him. "come on, freddie." i said. "look.. if i tell you, you have to promise not to be mad. or tell tom..." that made me think... do i really want to hear this? was it gonna be worth it? i mean- if i have to promise to not be upset and not to tell tom, what kind of a secret would this be? "sure." i said. he didnt look at me as he said "about that kiss... i left be- well, you see i- wait, no! damnit!" poor freddie didnt know where to start. "what about the kiss?" i asked, trying to get him back on track. "im sorry, again!" really? thats all he could say? "are you mad at me, or something? because your not speaking to me.." i asked. "no, im not mad at you. im just- i feel bad..and its awkward.." i have never really understood how fred could feel awkward around me. its not like we've never kissed before! "well, i dont feel awkward." i pointed out, thinking it would make him feel better. "how could you say that? kayla, you- your with tom. your MARRIED to tom! then, we kiss! thats not acceptable." oh, he is seriously trying to blame this one me!? "fred! you kissed me!" i yelled, a little to loud. "well, you didnt push me away!" i could never push freddie away. not in a million years. was that the problem? "well, you should learn to controll yourself." i had stopped yelling. fred laughed "me?! i loose controll!? what about the whole ordeal on the last tour!? hmm!?" what fred was refuring to, was when i got a little carried away at ray's aniversary party. after playing romeo and juliet on the balcony, i pretty much seduced fred in the back lounge. i started yelling again "oh! dont even!" i didnt want to hear him talk shit about ME! when i didnt do anything wrong, recently... "see! its not only me that looses controll! your just as bad!" he yelled back. this isnt fair! why cant tom and fred learn to share? "whatever!" i yelled. i had enough. i didnt see a point in continueing to argue with fred. it would be going nowhere.
The bus never got washed that day. i had stormed off into my house, and fred hung out in the bus. how could an argument with fred leave me with the thought of devorce?

The Car Next Door

{ Eric Brittingham }

I wasn't exactly "thrilled" to find out that Cheyenne had been receiving phone calls from a certain "criminal". i cant begin to explain the hate that i feel towards the one they call, Nikki Sixx. sure, he was a good musician who made a pretty good name for himself, but i couldn't have that as a reason to let him fool around with my girlfriend/future wife!

I swear Cheyenne thinks I'm gullible. When she says "I'm just FRIENDS with Nikki! I'm not cheating on you!" does she really expect me to believe her? because, the way i remember it, that's the same thing she told me when i was suspicious about their relationship in the beginning. and it turned out, she Was cheating on me with Nikki! so how can i believe her?

When i noticed Nikki's car parked outside our hotel room, i decided that i needed to find out what was going on, right here and right now. Cheyenne was ignorant enough to leave the blinds open. so, i snuck behind the bushes that lined the outside of the window. i peaked my eyes above the bush and watched what was happening inside. "Nikki, you know i cant. Eric would freak!" i could Hardley make out the words. "I'm not asking for much, Cheyenne." what was he asking for? oh god.. there he goes. straight to the bed! what the fuck does he think he's doing?! "Nikki...." Cheyenne wasn't going to- no! she cant! oh, if she DOES, there will be hell to pay! "I'm only here for the night. tell me now if I'm wasting my time." wasting his time with what? did he really think that he can just walk in my hotel, and get Cheyenne to- "Nikki.." come on Cheyenne! say something more! give me a reason to go in there and kick his ass! do it! or, you know what? if i really wanted to, i could just go in there and kick his ass right now. i have a good excuse.

I casually walked into the hotel, like i would any other day i got home from sound check with Cinderella. i acted shocked when i saw Nikki sitting on the edge of the bed, and Cheyenne standing next to the t.v with her arms crossed infrount of her chest. "what is he doing here?!" i yelled. Cheyenne came towards me and explained "Eric! don't get mad! he was just- we were just talking. nothing to over react about.." oh, sure! just because i only heard you talking, doesn't mean you were talking this whole time. Nikki jumped off the bed, knowing he was fucked. he backed up towards the door. "hey! where do you think your going!? get back here, fucker!" i yelled at him. I could tell he was trying to hold in a laugh. "oh! so you think this shit is funny!? how i always find you around my fucking girlfriend?! well let me tell you something asshole! you-" Cheyenne gabbed my arm and pulled me towards the kitchen. "Eric! no no no! dont!" she wasnt seriously defending him, was she? "Cheyenne! what the fuck are you doing?!" with that, Nikki opened the door and ran out. like a fucking pussy! "you let him get away!" i said wail Nikki slammed the door behind him. i saw him walk to his car from the window. "Eric! stop it! we were just talking! i swear to you, it was nothing more!" i was so confused. what could they be talking about? it sounded like they were talking about SOMETHING. or at least, from what i heard. but i couldn't let Cheyenne know i was spying on her. that would only get me introuble. this is about Cheyenne getting introuble. not me! "Cheyenne! what did i tell you about him!? i don't want you talking to that fucker! okay?" "Eric! you cant tell me who i can and cant talk to! you don't own me!" if you continue acting like this, i will never own you. I'm not going to propose if you keep doing this. "i didn't say i did own you! i just don't want you talking to Nikki!" she swallowed her words and stormed off into the only privacy we had in the hotel room, the bathroom. "Cheyenne! come on!" i yelled through the door. she ignored me. i heard running water. she must be taking a shower. "Cheyenne!" great, now she's mad at me for NOTHING. what the fuck?

Mrs. American Pie

{ Jeff Labar }

(worst story ever written by me, i think! this is what happens when i want to write, but im not in the ZONE! )

I relized, during dinner at Tom's the other night, how miserable i would have been if i had persuaded cheyenne to stay with me. Watching cheyenne stab eric with a fork for calling her cat "ugly", i couldnt help but feel proud of myself for letting her go. who wants to be with a woman like that? not me. i've already been through plenty of women like that. i wouldnt say cheyenne was worse then amber, but not far off. My memories of Amber are nothing but fighting and sex. To be honest, i think that was the only thing that made me want to be with her. The band couldnt stand her, and it was only causing arguments and bruises. Nobody quite understood why i was with a girl like amber. neither did i. all i knew was that i felt like i had to be with her. like she was as good as i was gonna get. i knew if i broke up with her, there would be more on the line than just being single. i would end up in the hospital! Thinking that i had no way out of our relationship, i started to think i was in love with her. i was blind. much like i was in this cheyenne incident. Back when we were on the Night Songs tour, me and cheyenne were "together", if you want to call it that. Before the tour, i would say i only flirted with cheyenne because it was fun. it was something to do, and something we both liked. She seemed like she appreciated the compliments and the attension. and i liked knowing that she liked it. So when we started the Night Songs tour, i had no excuse not to continue. exspecailly after i developed THE GAME! the game seemed fool proof! like nothing could ever go wrong! i thought it was harmless! that is... until i started falling in love with cheyenne. much like with every other girl i have been with, the first thing to draw me in was the sex. thats what gets me "hooked", you can say. What i liked more than the sex, was trying to convince cheyenne to have sex with me more. and the thing is, i was good at getting her to do things. eventually, i got her to tell eric she wanted a devorce so she could REALLY be with me. and i had her convinced she hated eric until i relized what i was doing was "wrong". i was destroying eric! my buddie! he was a mess! and i coudlnt let that happen... so i decided to let her go. was it the best choise i ever made? right now, im thinking it was. because if i would have continued to play along, i woudlnt have ever found robin. do i still like cheyenne? i dont think so. i havnt thought about it. thinking about it now, id say NO.

See, this is what happens when you like girls out of your leauge or not in your leauge at all.

Waiting On The World To Change...

i still felt puzzled about the comment fred had made towards me. me and tom are not a good match? who was he to make such an animadversion? he cant belive i married tom? nobody asked for his two-cents! just thinking of this makes me infuriated. ive explained things to fred multiple times! he should understand by now.
I dont know if he was saying these deleterious things because he was jealouse of my relationship with tom, or because he hated me. i can never tell with fred. there are times when i get an impression of affection from him, but then he will abruptly say something to prove otherwise.
I would be lying to myself if i said i dont wait for fred to grow up and tell me how he feels towards me, weather its a feeling of fondness or hatred. i feel like i need to know.
At this moment, i hate myself for admitting this, but i can honestly say, with the way things have been going between me and tom latley, i would give fred another chance. That is, if he would want to..

Love Is A Social Disease

( something i had tucked away in my folder. this is from 1985 before i moved in with tom. )

The phone rang. i jumped up from the couch and ran across the room to pick up the phone. "hello?" i said. "hey Kayla." "tom!" i have been waiting all week for tom to call me. "where have you been? i haven't heard from you in over a week. did i do something wrong?" he laughed "of course not. i told you the band was busy." "oh.." crazy girlfriend much? "we had to fly down to Tennessee. there is this recording studio down there. and.. the band was talking about moving to Nashville to be closer to the studio." i should have known something like this would tear us apart. "oh.. well.. uh.. that's great?" i wasn't necessarily good at pretending to be happy for him. i knew if he moved to Nashville, i wouldn't be going with him. bye bye tom. there is no way i can have a long distance relationship! i really care for tom, and i hope he feels the same way as i do. but we have only been together for a month. we couldn't move in together, no way. i wouldn't expect him to ask me. "well, we are going back on Sunday for a few days, i wanna see you before then, okay?" to tell me goodbye.. i bet. "sure.." "ill call you later. buh bye." i placed the phone back on the receiver. so much for tom...

Pants On Fire

( Eric Brittingham )

You know what pisses me off more than anything? liers! it cant be too hard to be honest, exspecially with someone you have been with for four years.

Its been almost a year now that we have been away from Hawaii. Almost a year since Cheyenne left me for Nikki sixx. my gut is telling me that something is still going on between them. i couldn't confront Cheyenne about this. what was my evidence? "my gut is telling me this, so it must be true!"? she would only laugh at me.

Last night, in new york at MTV's new years party, Cheyenne wanted to "talk". i thought i was doing a pretty decent job keeping up the conversation. but apparently, i was wrong. "we suck! we are sooo boring! we don't even have anything to talk about!" i took her comment as "you suck! your soooooo boring! your the worst boy friend ever! Nikki talks more than you!" like i wasn't good enough. and somehow, someone brought up the subject of Nikki. probably me. it was new years, and i wasn't going to fight with Cheyenne over something that happened a year ago. she ended up giving me the silent treatment. so much for trying to not start a fight, eh?

1 For You, 2 For Me...

Was it because I'm a 24 year old woman? maybe it was the fact that I'm 5'9 and weigh 140 lbs. in either case, i can drink two or three beers before i get drunk. which, is why i don't drink often. i wouldn't say I'm reckless when i have a few drinks. I'm just more ditsy and ignorant than usual. its not like every time i drink i get drunk and head home with some stranger. when i do get drunk i usually somehow get tom to have sex with me. the two times i have been drunk, he was also. so that could be why.
i remember when the guy's thought it would be funny to get me and Cheyenne in a drinking contest. it didn't matter who drank the most, or who got drunk the fastest, only that we were drunk. i don't remember where Cheyenne necessarily ended up, but i was on the beach with tom and Fred exchanging spit. then the next morning i got a visit from Fred. he told me that he had feelings towards me. which, you guessed it, created problems.
this last time, i ended up giving tom a blow job in the middle of a street in times square at MTV's new years party. I'm pretty sure we continued at the hotel, but who knows. i remember waking up the next morning, my face was in pain, i had bruises on my arms and scratches on my back. the street really tore up my body.
so as you see, i obviously have no point other than i hardly ever get drunk off my ass. tom, on the other hand, likes his booze. i can count three times from the top of my head that his drinking has caused us problems.

Zombie's And Cacti

It wasn't to late for me to back out. I was sitting on Cheyenne's couch, listening to her complain about Eric. i could have just told her that i was over here to visit, not to tell her that i could be pregnant. The more i thought about it, the more nervous i became. Cheyenne soon caught on. "Kayla, are you okay?" she asked me. "yeah, I'm fine." i squeaked. damn! when i get nervous enough, my voice gets really high pitched and i start to squeak. Cheyenne starred at me, wondering what was wrong with me. "you sure? you seem..nervous?" i shook my head. "nervous? no! what would i be so nervous about?" This is when she realized something was wrong. "Kayla, tell me!" she got excited, thinking it was some juicy gossip. she became very interested. "Cheyenne... i uh.. we... me and tom.. we tried for a baby last night.." her eyes dilated, and she didn't blink. i could tell she was shocked, to say the least. "what!?" i think i had her believing that me and tom would never have a child either. "yeah.." she punched my forearm "no way!" fuck, why does Cheyenne always have to hit me when she cant believe something i say. as i rubbed my arm i said "yeah." "well when do you find out if your pregnant?!" i braced myself, thinking another punch was headed my way. "i uh.. next week. I'm going to the doctor." i closed my eyes, not wanting to see the punch come hurling at me. "oh my god!" i opened my eyes when i didn't receive another punch.

Zombie's And Pixydust

"tom! wait!" he didn't look at me, only digging his mouth deeper into my neck. "hmm?" "you need a condom! you don't want me pregnant, do you!" I've accepted the fact that having a baby with tom was never going to happen. "but i do." and that's when my heart stopped. a giant lump started forming in my throat that enabled me to speak. who knew that coming home from breast surgery would leave tom yearning for a child. "what?!?! your kidding..." the words finally transcended through the lump. "no.." i jumped out from underneath tom and got off the couch. "you cant be serious!" this, was not a joke! i had to make sure he really knew what he was getting himself in to. "tom, you want a kid? but i thought- what?!" he looked like he was going to laugh. oh great, now hes going to laugh at me! "Kayla, calm down. yes." i thought for a moment. making sure this was what i really wanted. who knows, i could have just been trying to persuade tom to have a kid with me just because i knew the awnser would always be no. but now that its a yes... i wasn't sure if i wanted a kid. "well, if we are going to have a kid, i don't want to have it on the couch. lets go to the bedroom." and that's when he laughed.

Dominate

{ Tom }
"awww Freddie! have you been working out? look at your arms! your soooo strong!" Kayla made sure to say loud enough for me to hear. i watched as she wrapped her hands around Fred's bicep. Fred, of course, was eating-up all of this attention from my wife. what ever happened to my attention? just ten minuets ago she was petting my head and telling ME how pretty she thought my hair was. damn you Fred! i want the attention back! "oh, come on! there is no way Fred is THAT strong!" i said, hopeing Kayla would gear her attention back towards me. instead, she ignored my comment. "how much can you bench press, Freddie?" she asked Fred. i rolled my eyes. this is ridiculous. why should i have to compete with Fred for my wife's attention? "oh, hmm. about 140 pounds." "that's how much i weigh!" what a lie. Fred doesn't bench press shit! all he does is lift thirty pound weights up and down for thirty minuets daily. me, being ignorant, suggested "i challenge Fred to an arm wrestling match! right here and right now."
only after Fred accepted was when i started thinking of the consequences. if Fred were to win, and i were to loose, i would be embarrassed in frount of Kayla. i cant have that. this was for all the marbles. all the bragging rights, all the attention, everything! if i could beat Fred, then i could rub this in his face forever and Kayla would think i was stronger.
we sat at the dinning room table with our hands tightly packed together. Kayla stood behind me, watching mine and Fred's hands. "on the count of two, okay?" Kayla said. i nodded my head. she started counting "1..." Fred seemed bored, as if he really believed this wouldn't be a challenge. I'm not going to give up that easy. I'll tell you that much. "2! go!" i pushed on Fred's hand, as he pushed back. instantly, my hand was approaching the wooden table. Fred laughed, knowing he was right. i pushed harder, practicably breaking a sweat. "just give up tom" Fred told me, as if it was an option. "you first!" Kayla shook her head, knowing Fred wasn't even trying to bring down my hand. damn! "come on Fred, try!" i knew if he tried, my hand would be slammed against the table and i would cry in defeat. Fred smiled, thinking about weather or not he should bring me down or act like i had won. i felt his grip decrease and before i knew it his hand was on the table. "oop, looks like you win tom. congrats'." i sat, dumbfounded. did Fred really just let me win? fred had his chance to embarrass me in frount of Kayla, and he let it go. "look at that!" Kayla said, patting me on the back. "you won honey. i guess Fred isn't 'THAT STRONG', is he?". Fred got up from his seat and said "i guess not. big ol' tom broke my wittle arm." really Fred? your such an ass.. you loose and you STILL get attention from Kayla... what the fuck?!

Do Not Trade With Anyone, At All

"hey freddie, would you like an STD?" i said as i offered fred a hersey's kiss. Fred starred at me, wondering if i was crazy. "uhh.. no thanks.." i laughed "i didnt do anything to it, i swear. thats just what i use to call them in high school." Fred still had that confused look on his face. "how is a kiss like an STD? what do you call life savers?" i laughed, knowing he would definatly think i was crazy if i told him what i called life savers. "condems..." freds eyes got wide. i could tell he wasnt understanding what i was trying to say here. "no see, say you have this.. paper bag, okay? and in that paper bag you have life savers, smarties, dumm dumms, and kisses. the "life savers" are condems, get it? cuz they can save your life when your dealing with an STD. which, is a kiss. a smartie is "absinance". because your being "smart". and a dumm dumm is those people who go around having sex with whoever! you get what im saying?" fred starred at me more intensly "so, you mean- lifes like a giant paper bag?" i nodded my head "in a way.." he took the kiss from my hand "yes, i would love an STD. thank you." he tore the blue foil off the kiss and rolled it inbetween his thumb and index finger before throwing it to the ground. "this looks like a very delisous STD" he said before popping it into his mouth. "enjoy your STD!" i told him. he laughed "oh, i will."

If I Was A Chick...

{ Eric Brittingham }

Does Cheyenne really think that i am incapable of buying her a magnificent Christmas gift? by the looks of it, I'd say she does.

Because i am not the most romantic guy, doesn't mean that i cant figure out what she wants from me. I'm good at taking hints! Cheyenne, much like every other woman, wants something expensive and shiny. how is buying a piece of jewelry so difficult?

Well, Cheyenne was on to something...

Picking out jewelry WAS hard! exspecially in the the sort of predicament i am in at the moment! i couldn't buy her a ring, because then she would think i was proposing. i wasn't ready to propose yet! and i don't believe she is ready either.

If i was a chick, i wouldn't prefer diamond earrings over a necklace. for one: if i was a woman, i would want something flashy, something noticeable and in your face! who notices earrings? nobody! exactly who! Cheyenne wont go unnoticed! not on my watch.

So now, its between a necklace and a bracelet. now how on earth was i going to decide on this alone? i couldn't ask Cheyenne. what was i supposed to say "hey baby! what would you like better? a necklace, or a bracelet?" no! i don't think so! i mean- i cant REALLY go wrong here. the only difference between the two is one you wear around your neck, and the other around your wrist. i think Cheyenne will love it either way.

Rockin' Robin

{ Jeff Labar }

I am pleased that the group has finally accepted Robin. even Cheyenne, someone who i never thought would accept any new woman in my life, has become very amicable with Robin. Tom, who seemed happy for me at first then suddenly turned on me, has finally found peace with our relationship as well. Fred doesn't seem to care about who i am with or what kind of person she is. He's just happy as long as she knows to keep her hands away from his pop tarts. Eric was happy for me in the beginning, i guess. He never really acknowledged it very much, in my opinion. Kayla has always tried to be polite and welcoming towards every woman i have been with, really trying to make them feel like they were apart of the group, weather she liked them or not. now, everyone treats Robin with respect. its quite nice.

Fierce Like Tiger

I felt bad for the poor baby. The pet store only gave me a cardboard box to keep Helo in on the ride home from the mall. I could hear Helo's meow over the radio. Poor baby must be so scared. Well i hope she knows that when i get her home, she will be the most lucky and pampered kitten ever.

I casually carried the cardboard box and plastic bags into the house. Wail trying to think of a place to hide Tom's christmas gift, i was also trying to think of how i can hide this cat until tom gets home. i shuvved the plastic bags under the bed. that spot would have to do for now. i peaked inside the box to check if Helo was okay. "hello Helo. you doing okay, baby?" her little face lifted out of the box and her big green eyes wondered around the room. "aww baby! dont be scared!" i took her out of the box and held her in my arms. "see, look. this is your new home. isnt it purty? your gonna love it here!" im one of those freaks who find it nessasary to talk to children and animals in that annoying baby voice. "you see that doggie over there? thats puck! he wont hurt you. he's a real sweetheart. here, let me introduce you." i bent down on my knees and set Helo on the floor next to puck. "see! you two are gonna be great friends!" puck, a large golden retriever towered over Helo. He looked down at Helo then back to me. probly thinking "whats this guy doin here? this is MY house! back off, man!" Helo, lookin cute and fluffy just starred at puck. i heard the frount door open and close. "oh! Helo, come on! i gotta hide you from tom!" i picked up helo and put her back into the cardboard box. i placed the box in the bedroom closet. after i shut the door tom walked into the room. "hey kayla, what are you doin?" "i.. uh.. i just got home. you?" he ignored my question "where did you go?" he petted pucks head as he walked past. "i was christmas shopping with cheyenne, i told you." he nodded his head "right.. well, how was that?" "i sat on santa's lap.. he gave me a candy cane." tom laughed "what? your kidding.." no, i was serious. "no! me and cheyenne even got video.." "na- uh! let me see!" i handed tom my phone. "look for yourself." i heard myself speak on video "i want an easybake oven, light bright, a dollie, and a unicorn." tom laughed. then i heard cheyenne "i want a ring from my boyfriend, a new leather jacket-" tom stopped the video. "she wants a ring!?" i could hear Helo meowing from the closet. so, i spoke louder "yeah!" tom starred at me "like- a wedding ring?" i shrugged my shoulders "maybe.. i dont know. i wasnt listening. i was to destracted by shiney things. you see, we were in a jewlery store." he nodded his head. i couldnt have things get quiet, i had a meowing kitten in the closet that i didnt want to explain to tom yet. "SOOOO, what did you do today, mr.?" "i was with jeff and robin." "doin what?" i asked. "just talkin and stuff. i dont know." ah what the hell, mind as well. "tom, can i tell you something. promise not to get mad.." he looked at me, probly expecting the worst. "yeah?" i opened the closet and took out the box. i set it on the bed and turned back to tom. "now, before i open this box, i wanna say.. it was a last minuete desision. but remember, im going to be the one taking care of it anyway, so i dont see a problem with this." "kayla.. whats in the box?" i reached into the box and held Helo in my arms. "her name is Helo. i found her at the pet store in the mall! you see- i warned cheyenne! i told her if i went in there i wouldnt be able to controll myself and i WOULD walk out of the store with an animal. well.. i did. and so did she." i held out helo, wanting tom to hold her. but he didnt reach for her. "tom.. you okay? its just a kitten! come on! not like i brought home a fuckin orphan!" if there was an orphan store in the mall, you bet i would bring home an orphan! just sayin... "kayla, you bought a cat?! why? we have a dog! dogs dont like cats!" "no, no. puck likes her! i already introduced them! they get along! pleaseeeee tommy! can we keep her! look at her wittle face! she's a real sweet heart!" i gave tom the most innocent pouty face that was possiable for me to give. "kayla, cats claw at things! we have wood floors! it will scratch the floor-" before i could finish i interupted with "tom! all we have to do is get a post, a litter box, and some toys. cats bathe themselves, which means you wouldnt have to give her a bath. we dont have to worry about taking her outside everyday for a potty break. i mean- dogs are worse! cats you dont have to do anything. just give them food, water and a litterbox and they are good!" he thought for a few moments. "pweeasse! look at her! i already named her! you cant have me take her back now.. i already love her." "fine!" he said. "awww thank you! Helo says thank you too!" i put Helo in tom's hands. "now give her a kiss." i told him. he kissed the top of her head "see, there you go! you love her!" he laughed and put her down "yeah, yeah."

Do Not Tease The Crab

I have never been inside freddie's house. I have only waited in the jaguar parked beside the curb wail tom makes quick runs inside fred's house to pick up music. But, today was the first day i was allowed to go inside his cape cod styled house. I couldnt imagine freddie living in a house quite like this one. Its definatly not a house that i would point to and say "that is definatly a freddie house! i can soo see him living there!" The deck was lined with white fencing and shrubs. The glass windows had eight panes with blue shudders. Too cute of a house to belong to fred coury, if you ask me. it seemed more like it belonged to a rich southern suburban family. like a mother wearing a flower pattern dress with her hair tucked in a bunn and flour on her apron would open the door and yell for her three children to come inside and clean up for supper. instead, fred awnsered the door. "hiya" he said. i peaked into his house, wondering how it looked on the inside. "hey fred." tom said as he walked in, pulling me along with him. the inside of the house was just as cute as the outside. the frount door led you right into the foyer. i guess you could say the house had a warm feeling. the colors were neutral and matched, something i didnt expect a single man's house to include. "freddie, i love your house! its too cute!" i told him. he smiled "thanks! actually, i just got a pet!" freddie, with a pet? something else i didnt think he would ever get. shows how much i really know freddie, eh? he gestured tom and i over "follow me, i'll show you." tom starred at him "what did you get?". freddie guided us down the hall to his bedroom. his bedroom wasnt what i would expect from him either. A king sized bed was against a wide glass window with a white mantel below it. "see! its a crab! isnt it cool! i went down to the beach yesterday, and i found him!" freddie pointed to a glass tank in the corner of the room. i pressed my face against the glass, trying to find the crab. "freddie.. are you sure the crab is in there? i dont see him.." tom put his finger to the glass and pointed to the yellow rock in the tank "no, look honey. its behind the rock. you see it?" "no! i dont see it!" fred put his face up to the tank beside mine "no, hes not on the rock! hes in his dome! look, he's sleepin like a wittle baby." i laughed. "so what did you name him?" i asked. "hermit.." "very original" tom added. "well i think its lovely." i told fred. he smiled "i thought so! you wanna feed him?" fred asked me. "what? me? how would i feed a crab? what do crabs eat?" fred reached into the cabnit that the tank was set on. "he likes these things. give him two." he held out a bag of little fish. i starred at the plastic bag in his hands "freddie.. you sure?" i dont remember crab's eating fish.. i could have swore that fish ate crabs! "yeah! the guy at the pet store told me to feed these to him. you see, hermit is a salt water crab, he eats differently then pet crabs. you know what im sayin?" i shrugged my shoulders "i guess.." "if you dont wanna touch the fish, you dont have to. tom, you wanna feed them?" before tom could awnser i said "no, no, no, no. i can do it.." i took the bag from fred's hands. "here, let me take him out of his dome." fred reached his hand into the tank and pulled the dome from above hermit. he moved it across the tank and took his hand out. "hurry, before he runs back in his dome." i opened the bag of fish. "are these dead?" i asked. tom laughed at me "of course not! you know, cuz fish can live in plastic bags with out water." i starred at tom. i didnt think it was that funny.. i shook the fish in the bag. i stuck my nose in the bag, curious about how it smelt. "oh my- gross!" fred laughed "kayla!" i quickly pulled my face as far from the bag as it could go. "gross! im just gonna get this over with!" i stuck my hand into the bag and pulled out a fish. "ewww! are they suppost to be this rough? what ever happend to being slimey and scaley?" "they are dried out, kayla." tom informed me. i hung the fish over the tank, waiting for the moment that hermit would reach the right possion. "come on hermit! lunch time! time to grub! come on hermit, be a good boi!" tom starred at fred. "you talk to your crab?" he asked fred. fred nodded his head "of course i do! no different from talking to your dog!" tom laughed "its very different!" "how?" "well.. our dog talks back. crabs cant talk. hell, they dont even make noises!" "crabs can too make noises!" fred yelled to tom. "oh really? then what sound do crabs make?" fred thought for a moment. "hmm.." he stuck out his lips and made a strange whistling sound. tom laughed "thats the noise you think crabs make?" "yes!" i dropped the fish into the tank, watching it sink to the sand. "freddie, i dont think he saw it." "oh, he'll smell it eventually." tom laughed harder "smell it!? crabs dont have noses!!" fred through up his hands "whatever! i give up!"

Bark At The Moon

{ Eric Brittingham }

Should i be scared to come home, to my girlfiend?

You see, when tom decided to exchange vacation days for extra work with ray, i got the short end of the stick. Because tom wanted so desperatly, ten extra days at home, the extra work that he was promised was put on me.

Ever since 1986, the beggining of our first tour with ray's records, ray has hated me with a passion. I dont know what exactly i did wrong to make him hate me, but i know that it had to deal with that night i spent in jail in japan...

Anyway, with that out said, I was not able to leave Europe with the rest of the band. Wail the guys were aboarding the plane home, i was stuck in an old dirty t.v studio filming a commersial for european shampoo. So i dont have those 10 extra vacation days like the rest of the guys do, i have 8... thanks alot tom! when i DO, eventually get home, im kicking your ass!

Tom also wanted to keep these 10 days a secret from the girls, meaning that i couldnt explain to cheyenne beforehand why she would see everyone else but me. i cant imagine what shes thinking right now! im going to be in soo much trouble, and i cant even do anything about it! i bet she thinks im blowing her off because i met some european model or something stupid like that. cheyenne always seems to come up with the most outragious accusations! i feel so bad for her.. i mean, she has probly noticed by now that tom is home with kayla. cheyenne must be flippin out that im not there! i WISH i could be there! id rather be home then this crummy old building or anywhere else!

Loudness

{ Eric Brittingham }

The guys pretty much kicked cheyenne off the tour. Assholes! since one of the girls was out of the way, they thought it must be eaiser to get rid of the other. I honestly dont see how they thought this was such a good idea. i think fred just wanted cheyenne gone so he can have "fun". jeff only agreed because fred did. Tom only wanted cheyenne gone so he wouldnt feel so bad that his wife left him. So who is really the victum here? Me! what do i do with out cheyenne? sit in my hotel room watching cartoons in my underwear wail eating a sandwich that roomservice made for me. pathetic? yes. what do i do after a show? i walk offstage, dont bother to take a shower since cheyenne wont be around to smell my stench. I wait for the guys to finish their showers and beg them to go back to the bus. no point in staying backstage if you have no one to enjoy it with. When the bus pulls up to the hotel, i run to my room and kill time until i get sleepy. now, is that anyway to spend a tour?

Thanksgiving wasnt a total bust. i got food, sex and some cookies out of it. too bad ray wouldnt give us more than two days to spend time at home. I need a break!

ITS FREEZING!!!!!!!

today might be the day that tom comes home from the tour. right now, im sitting in a wooden stool looking out the window at winter wonderland. the first episode of snow in nashville this year, always a good sign of whats to come. There was a moderate snow fall, enough to cover the tree's and the ground so you could see nothing but white. the snow must have at least been two to three inches heigh to cover the grass in our lawn that hasnt been cut since tom left. i waited for the cinderella bus to show up along the horizon. the bus would pull up along the curb of the street and tom would come running through snow to see me. i could just imagine him getting out of the bus, looking at the mountain we now had as a frount yard and saying "no way jose. i dont wanna ruin my boots." i was hopeing tom would be home tonight, but i was expecting something to go wrong and he wouldnt be back for a few more days. that would be just my luck! i swear! i get all excited about things, and they never happen. like teaching puck how to say "make me a sandwitch, bitch!" i was hoping that puck could say that to tom when he gets home, but all puck could manage to say was "MMMUUUUUEEESSSI". if i cant teach a dog to talk, how am i suppost to teach a baby to walk? im a failure. not only that, but i cant even figure out how to work the fireplace! tom has always done that, and i wanted things to be all warm and cozy when he gets home, but i cant figure out how to turn that fucker on! everything is so technical now-a-days. i mean- a GAS fireplace? whatever happend to going out back, cutting some wood, throwing it into the fireplace and pouring lighter fluid on it? i think im overthinking this to much. things dont have to be PERFECT when tom gets home. i mean come on, he knows who he is married to. how could he expect anything perfect from ME? i think he will be happy that he pulls up to a HOUSE, and not some pile of ash. because... i almost DID burn the house down.. not that im gonna tell tom about it.. i noticed a gleam in the corner of my eye. headlights?! i quickly jumped off the stool i was sitting on and pressed my face against the ice cold window. it was only a snow mobile, pushing snow out of the street. dammit!! my heart just about stopped! and all for a damn truck! i could hear nails hitting the wood floor. puck put his paws on the windowsile and stuck out his tounge as he looked out the window with me. "aww puck, i dont think daddy's commin home today." i took off the bandanna from his neck and placed it on the hood of the piano. "better?" i petted his head. puck started barking and clawing at the window. "puck? what are you doing?! get down! stop that!" i pushed his paws off the window. i didnt want him scratching the glass. "down boy! what has gotton into you? now go-" thats when i saw a purple bus from the corner of my eye. "oh my god! he's here!" i left puck alone, to claw at the window. at this moment, that was the least i cared about. i closed the curtains and ran to open the door. the wind and snow rushed into the house, as diffusion showed my hair who's boss. i stood behind the door, peaking my head out, trying not to let puck out of the house. i watched as the bus came to a screetching stop. puck's barking got louder, and the wind started to get colder. i swear i couldnt feel my neck. come on tom... hurry up! get out of the damn bus! its cold! i could now hear my teeth chattering over puck's bark. the bus opened its doors. i watched closely for a sign of tom. i saw a figure walking past the darkly tinted windows of the bus. thats him! he must be getting off! i watched as the figure moved past the last window and appear walking down the metal stairs. tom! he stepped on a chunck of ice, that yesterday was a street. i closed the door, thinking that knowing tom was home was good enough. i NEEDED to get back inside, where it was warm. i watched tom slowly make his way across the yard, avoiding deep patches of snow. when he finally got to the door, he looked at me and said "we need to get one of those mats where you can wipe your feet. cuz... my boots are covered in snow." oh, how did i KNOW he was gonna say something about his boots and the snow? im telling you, i KNOW how tom is. i ran to the linnen closet and took out a towel. i folded it and placed it on the wood floor infrount of the door. "just use this." i told him. he shut the door behind him and stepped on the towel. "damn its cold out there!" he said, looking towards the fireplace. i knew what he was thinking. probly, you couldnt have at least put the fireplace on? come on! "yeah.. about that.. i couldnt figure it out.." he laughed and walked over to the stone fireplace. he flipped a switch and a fire was lit. i starred, wondering how i coudlnt figure that out. "ohh... i..i uh.. i knew that.." he laughed and gave me a hug. i only wonder how long its gonna be until he has to leave again...

SEXist

As if playing video games wasnt sterotypical male territory. somehow, fred got cheyenne and myself to play. Fred bought the crappiest raceing game on the market! i swear! well, all raceing games are crappy, but thats not the point. it was just a crappy game, THATS the point. Fred handed me a controller. "okay, you see this blue x right here? thats to go. okay? and this green triangle is to stop. and you use these knobs to turn. got it?" explaining, as if i didnt know what to do. just because i am a woman, doesnt mean that i dont know how to use a damn nintendo controller! he sat beside me on the couch and explained the next step "okay, now this is where we pick our cars. you see, they have some nice flower patterns." fred said, trying to be funny. once our cars and track were chosen the countdown began. in green, the numbers flashed on the screen. fred announced them as they blinked "3....2....1!" We pounded on the blue X botton until our cars were going as fast as they could. within a few moments, fred was already infrount of me. the track he chose was downtown L.A. not only was it dark, but you could fly off a bridge any moment. all there was to tell you your direction was luminesent arrows that guided you through tunnels and the beach. i eventually caught up to fred. there was only less than a mile to the finish line, and we were neck and neck. fred, looking quite nervous as he leaned off the couch trying to focus on the television screen, kept a strong hold on the blue X botton wail turning the knobs. his tounge creeped out from the right side of his lips, a sighn to me that meant buisness. cheyenne and eric, watching our cars shift beside eachothers, looked bored. tom was in the kitchen, on the phone, like usual. only a few meters to the finish line. getting cocky i told fred "looks like i win." which, i totally jinxed! without a word, fred leaned over and licked the side of my face. dropping the controller to the floor and raising my hand to my face, fred yelled " i won!!! burrn!!!" i stood up, wiping the spit off my face, yelled "fred! you cheated! you cant do that! you fuckin licked me!" eric laughed. fred put his controller on the arm of the couch "we didnt set any rules, so i didnt cheat." he said, thinking he was hot shit for finding a lupol. i stommped my foot, annoyed that i didnt win. "you- uhh you suck!" i crossed my arms infrount of my chest, pouting. "oh come on kayla, its just a game. its for fun, dont take it too seriously." i shook my head "fun? that wasnt fun! that game sucked!" "your just mad because i won!" "i am mad that YOU won! i would have won if you didnt spit all over me!" i wipped my face again, making sure that i had gotton rid of all his spit. "its all in the thumbs." he said, holding up both of his thumbs. "its all in the thumbs" i mocked him.

Cinderella to CEO

We met up with ray for lunch wail on our "Break". I wouldnt nessaisarly call it a break if you have been sitting in bed all day listening to your husband pace around the room talking on the phone with lawyers or managers or whatever the fuck else they have! This little brunch was the only time i have gotton out of the house since getting here. So, i would say that i was a little- well, annoyed; to say the least. You think the guys had forgotton what food tasted like if you would have seen what i was witnessing. The way they scarfed down that pizza was astonishing. from the moment the pizza was set in the center of the table, if you would have blinked, you would have missed it. If you thought i wasnt annoyed before, then sitting next to eric did the trick. Watching Eric eat was discusting. Eric would pick up a peice with one hand, not bothering to secure the pizza with his other hand, so whatever topping it was, would fall off onto his lap. when it did, he scooped it up with his fingers and dropped it into his mouth. Between peices he would wipe the greese from his hands onto his jeans. He smacked the food from one side of his mouth, to the other. If it couldnt get any worse, every time he spoke he would do so with a mouth full of "See food".

Roll Me Threw The Night!

I have honestly never thought about the fact that Tom has been more occupied with work lately then me.. Cheyenne made it clear that "Tom should be with you! you should be number one! come before his work!" I denied it, of course. This is how it has always been, there is no way that it could be "wrong". For as long as i can remember, our relationship has always evolved around his job. No matter what it was like for us, if we were at a rough patch or not, he would take whatever ray through at him. Even if it meant leaving me behind for a year at a time, or canceling dates, or putting things off. It was yesterday, when i accompanied Cheyenne wail she got her first tattoo, that she made me realize this matter was true. I wasn't particularly "thrilled" being there, at the tattoo salon, with Cheyenne. It had nothing to do with the tattoo salon nor Cheyenne. I was merrily upset for a reason that i couldn't put my finger on. The previous night, tom had announced to the group that we were going to have sex. once we got to the hotel, after being exposed to paparazzi, Tom wanted to sleep. So not only did i not get sex, i felt like i came second. Okay, third. I was behind work and sleep. I would have to wait til tom wasn't working, or he had his sleep to get any attention. I felt that was no way to treat his wife. But, this being a usual thing, i overlooked it. Until Cheyenne brought it up. "So, how was the sex last night?" you would think a subject like this would an awkward thing to chat about wail getting a tattoo. But, it wasn't to us. Talking about sex was an everyday thing. "what sex?" i asked, watching as the man dip a needle into a cup of ink. "tom said on the bus that you were going to have sex. remember?" "oh, yeah. see, it didn't happen." the buzzing from the machine ringed in my ear. "why not?" she asked, clutching the arm of the chair. "he went to sleep." "for real?" i nodded my head. "your kidding, right?" she asked, as if she didn't believe me. i nodded my head once more. it was true. shameful, i know. "what? that's not right. what was his problem?" i shrugged my shoulders "he was just tired. I'm use to it." i told her, hopeing it would give her the hint to stop talking. hopeing she would realize that it was an everyday thing, that i didn't need her to keep talking about it. "use to it? you should come first! screw his job!" i laughed "you do realize, if tom were to "screw" his job, Eric would be out of his job too." "not my point." she told me. "i mean-they get two days break tomorrow. couldn't he have sacrificed one night of sleep to have sex with you, wake up the next morning and sleep on the plane?" i nodded my head, again. "that's what i though! i bet he's going to sleep on the break too! you know, its not even about the sex. i can care less about that. its just that i come last. you know?" i thought i didn't want to talk about this, but things just spewing out of my mouth like word vomit. shows what i know. i could tell the man with the needle, tattooing Cheyenne's arm, was listening to our conversation. probably thinking "what the fuck? these girls are nuts. thank god i don't have a girlfriend." After the realization that i did, in fact, come third, i started ignoring tom. if that's the way he wants to be, then let it be. two can play at this game. i know, its terrible to play games like this. it could no doubt "ruin" a marriage, so I'm told, but he will learn sooner or later that something is upsetting me. when he does, ill think about going back home. maybe then it would be one less thing he has to worry about on tour.