Pacifier

Have you thought about opening the door, to a car that is driving sixty miles an hour on a highway during rush hour, and jumping out? i have this thought often.

When i was in highschool, my mother would pick me up at the Mcdonalds down the road because she hated the traffic near the school. When i got into the car, i never quite knew the fate that awaited me. I never knew if my mother was in a good mood, or bad. If she was in a bad mood- for something she found out i did, or because she was stressed- she would yell and curse hurtful things for something as minor as a D on a progress report. She has tried to tell me since, that she pushed me hard back then because i had "potentional" to be something great. bullshit! sure, i was the only kid in my family who had a lick-of-sense. i wasn't occupied with boys like i was with playing guitars. i would rather spend my weekend sitting alone in my room listening to Aerosmith than seeing a movie with my so called "friends".

The thought of jumping is still in my mind. Just today, wail arguing with Tom on our way home from Eric's, it crossed my mind. "How can you be so fucking selfish? what gives you the fucking right to think you're better than everyone else? i'm tired of it!" If only Tom relized how much those words hurt. i felt like i was sitting in the car with my mother, taking one hit after the other. so, how did i act? like an immature teenage brat. "It's Cheyenne's fault!" it was like blamming my "best friend" all over again- a stunt that i pulled quite often back in the day. "kayla,l grow the fuck up! just- god! that's everyone's fucking problem! i'm the only adult around here!"

When i turned 16, my mother came into my room and layed on my bed. With a beer in her hand, and my purple stuffed unicorn in the other, she told me "kayla, you're getting to old to be acting like this. i know your young, but you need to come back down to earth. stop living in your fantasy world. it's time to think about your future and get a job. by the way, if you would just have said "mom, i'm sorry, i know i fucked up" then i would have stopped yelling. instead, you yelled back." and, that's what i had to do. i had to treat tom like my mother. stop my shit and grow up. "tom.. you're right. i'm sorry. i'm wrong and i shouldn't have embarassed you like that." he shook his head, not saying another word. good start, eh?